Confession of the nerd

That’s a strange thing. In childhood, I was forbidden to play the console, and later in the computer for more than 40 minutes a day. If you want to play, first wash the floor, or go with your grandmother to the country and propoli potatoes/cabbage/gather the berry, or read 40 pages of any book. Then I did not know that there were interesting books by Sapkovsky, Strugatsky, F.Herbert, J.P.Tolkien, Rowling and other things. With a huge unwillingness, I sat down for the “war and the world”, “dead souls” or “auditor”, went to pull weeds or perform work on the house, if only they allowed me to plunge into this beautiful world of battles, colorful worlds and sounding of soundtracks entering the brain.

Yes, now it seems outdated and not so beautiful, but at that time the minutes spent in the worlds of the dunes, kirandedia, goblins, in the company with a plumber or a brother in such a beloved Contra were probably the best and most coveted gift. They did not give money for games, and even more so for consoles and upgrades of PC, so I often disappeared in game clubs, or from friends who had a breathtaking PS1 at that time PS1. And since no one had honeycombs yet, coming home at 10-11 pm, I flanching the “Lule” from my parents, who did not call the morgues and hospitals on treason and lost access to the PC and walks for another week.

I was an ordinary nerd. He studied at the five, did not lift anyone out, often flapped his classmates himself, did not smoke and did not drink, stood in the string on disco and dreamed that now I would get courage and go to the “one” with which he was sitting next to my desk for 5 years in a row, but … was a modest and complete “session” in everything in everything in everything in everything. Even studied perfectly «forcibly». After all, I knew, if you do everything right, you can forget about the world in which I lived and for 40 minutes to plunge into a colorful, alluring world of a video game, where it is more interesting, where you are winning everyone, and not you, where there is always the “Save the button”. «, Where someone has already come up with everything and someone will suffer from your wrong decision, but you can always rewind it back, where music, love of love and betrayals, battles and conspiracies, where all this is … where I wanted to live, where I wanted to get, but where I always had to return to this boring, gray and snapping world of reality from you.

In high school, wandering around the school library, I discovered for myself the section of “science fiction” and here, as they say, “rushed through. «These were probably the best years when I represented myself as a cosmic pioneer, military leader or master and destroyer of entire worlds, and not the future graduate, promising student, and later as an engineer.

Years passed, books were replaced one after another, the school was over, I entered the university, the specialty that my parents determined me. Soon his father dumped from the family, and computer affairs, whether it was repairs, printout, and “send a letter” switched to me. And here the “lid” began to slowly demolish. What are there guels with girls and sport, when you can come home and not 40 minutes, but all evening to devote the next quest or watching the film, when no one controls the time for a PC when the owner is his own. An endless amount of information that had previously been banned broke into my head. The film matrix, by the way, was strictly prohibited for me in childhood, I reviewed it 10 times. Further more. Control was finally lost by the end of training at the university, I was from a home botanist, turned into a «computer addict». And if we take into account that the pressure of the others remained the same, then upon exiting the university there was a PC-narcoman with a sense of inferiority and the realization that “Games is evil”, a dead end branch of evolution, “gamers are fallen people” and so on, but I could not do anything with me. Neither willpower, nor desire to strive for something left for me.
By the way, my true first love (school loves did not count), I “blown up” precisely because. «Tanks» – so that their! And how much dough has gone there. True, there is one plus, I haven’t left the books. At the University «met» with Jirt Douurden (Robert Salvatore) and Fes (Nick Pirumov), thanks to my friends-groups.

Probably precisely thanks to the book-computer treasure, in the 2nd year I did not go to the then popular hip-hop, but to Irish dances. Well, elves, leprosons, fairies there, the atmosphere of the fairy tale is shorter. At the same time, he was carried away by role traffic, he began to play the guitar and flute. This movement dragged me over for another 10 years. There were medals, championships, restaurants and campaigns with sticks with a damage of 3 hit on the enemies of the king, there were dances, music and love. In short, a fairy tale, but it all ended. Pink glasses at one point cracked and scattered into rubbish. Friends parted, I had to leave the dancing, throw the sticks. «Railway design engineer»-sounds cool? But in fact you do not need any fuck. Over the next 7 years I have tried a bunch of professions. Sisadmin, manager, designer, dance teacher, musician, ISSO engineer, architect, but could not find “his own”. Years went on, the idea that I want to do something connected with the game industry visited me more and more, but the weak character, no willpower, unwillingness/inability to force me to slow me down every time I deleted the “tanks” and wanted to start changing “right now”. Games just swallowed me, I abandoned the books, I spent everything earned on a grub and toys. Self -development stopped, goals disappeared, friends dissolved. And now … a 30-year-old sport with completely destroyed self-esteem, a bunch of small “skills” in the form of a PC repair, setting up printers, drawing skill in everything and everything, with a huge dance experience, the initial ability to play a bunch of musical instruments on one fine morning, goes to work and finds out that he is no longer waiting for him there. It is cool to find out about this on the first working day of 2017. Dragneft? No, calmly like ever. Run up with a girl with whom he lived 5 years together, lose his job. All thanks to games, own laziness and weak character.

What will happen next? And unknown. Time will tell … the head must be cured, from stupid thoughts, from imposed ideas, from a sense of helplessness and countlessness. Alcohol helps someone, someone friends, but there are no friends, but I never started drinking, and I don’t see the point. But it all began so well.

The best comments

In your troubles, not so much the game is to blame for the restrictions that parents imposed. The forbidden fruit, as you know, is sweet, and sudden access to it tore the tower, broke the psyche. But if there were no such tough restrictions, everything would be much better, possibly. Perhaps, by your age, you would be oversaturated and play many times less than in your youth.
You should not start drinking, but with laziness and weak character and other shortcomings you need to definitely do something. Draw the tanks (if you suddenly put it again), find temporary work at least for starters, and then – look for the same “your own”. If this is something related to the development of games, go to courses for starters. Design or programming – choice for you. Here is this

Irish dances, carried away by role traffic, began to play the guitar and flute, medals, championships, restaurants and campaigns with sticks with a damage of 3 hit on the enemies of the king, there were dancing, music and love

proves that you are not shitty a piece and there were wonderful moments in your life. Return all this+find «your» work. Only reduce the time that you spend on games, and throw MMO completely from your life.

And, and yes, your life, you can not listen to anyone’s advice, do your own way, because no one has a universal answer to the question of how to live correctly. Everyone decides for himself.

Let you also “pour out” your thoughts, so to speak:
1. About the «head»:
We are all different people, everyone has their own “ants” and you do not need to treat anything. You have everything in perfect order.

2. About girls:
They https://privecasino.uk/ dispersed with the girl. It is clear that you are upset. This happens, and it does not depend on your hobbies. Maybe not fate, but maybe your paths will also come down later. You don’t have to go in cycles on this.
When the pain from parting will burn out a little, I advise you to start the search. Believe me, fate will bring you off with such. In addition, it would be nice and with the former “passion” not to be completely torn to break. I don’t know exactly how you broke up, but you were together for five years, that is, there are clearly not strangers to each other. Stay friends or at least good acquaintances, and there one god knows how life will turn out.
How to look for a «passion» «nerd»? To begin with, you need to understand that the “sport” is, for example, the one who for ten to twenty thousand salaries from subordinates at work takes out the whole soul. And you are an absolutely normal person.
You can look for whatever you like. Trying all the same will not be removed from the «society» finally. Break somewhere with your work colleagues, remember the numbers of friends and acquaintances (especially female), use social networks. By the way, do not forget to devote time to your skills. Some kind of courses. Both communication and benefit. It is possible and on sports what sections, in the «stroke» to be like.
Once I also started to «pinch» himself with complexes.
The reason was banal: the girls who liked me were, as it seemed to me, they were uninteresting, and those who liked me, I so actively «hilled» that it was quickly bored with it. And «went» I have complexes.
I solved the problem quite simple. He began to make more friends and acquaintances among the representatives of the opposite sex, to hang out with them, but he did not start novels with anyone, he did not hint at anything and even in his thoughts did not hope for success. Just “darked” and rested, was himself. And my fate herself found me pretty quickly and won me. And the fact that I had at that time many friends among girls [potential competitors! :)], it was only in my hand.

3. About friends and acquaintances:
You are clearly a good person. Both friends and good friends will have you, but most likely they already have. You are just on «emotions», upset and therefore are so categorical.
The main thing, do not forget that you are surrounded by the same people with their problems and “ants” in your head. When you communicate with someone, you do not think about yourself and about what you want. Try to understand what a person wants, what problems he has. And, if not friends, but good friends will definitely appear.

4. About hobbies:
It was correctly said that when the family and children appear, the priorities in life will change a lot.
There is nothing wrong with your hobbies. Believe me, there are people around us whose hobbies are really scary and destructive not only for themselves, but also for others. Someone is sitting on the “drug”, someone cannot “emerge” from the bottle, there are people who, in “bones”, will pass, both in the literal and figurative sense, for the sake of money or power, there are those who love other people’s suffering and humiliation-and this is also dependent, terrible, terrible, her mother, dependence.
No need to engage in self -flagellation and reproach yourself for your own hobbies. These are such trifles. If you do not get any pleasure from life, then you can go crazy.
And video games and books are a normal hobby. I know many people of various age categories, differing both in terms of status and in terms of income, who like “video games”. They do not «soar» and you do not «worry» 🙂

5. About work:
Finding a job that not only likes, but also brings sufficient income is a rarity. Therefore, there is no need to worry about such things either. If the work is not very good for you, but it feeds you, then you can tolerate you. At the same time, no one forbids to continue the search for a new place.
Judging by the written talents and skills you have, and you do not stay without work at all. This is cool. I even envy you with «white» envy.

6. About the book:
About writing a book – this is very interesting. He himself tried one hundred thousand times to take on the spelling of «Fantasy». Ideas Sea – at the output «zero». It used to be often how I fell into Trans – I sit down and pages for ten texts. I took inspiration from books, films, but it happened that the dream was so alive, and at the same time absolutely unrealistic.
I took, then, I wrote, it seems cool everything. You re -read it in a week – the crap is complete. Tear paper, delete files. And then a month later you understand that it was written well, and, after all, I can’t “catch” it again again. And such a story has been going on for years.
Now I think that I could sit down again, but there is no time – family, work.
Perhaps you should change the principle of approach to writing your book. If you can’t, so to speak, “create” in “Word” on a PC, then try “live” on paper, say aloud to the recorder or how. I, here, a couple of days ago I took up the study of «Unity» («YouTube» to help, maybe I can do it). If you draw (it doesn’t matter how – “paints” on canvas or in which program on a PC), then complement your “texts” sketches, look for “art” suitable in the “internet”. And do not remove anything/do not throw away. Keep your «work».
Do not take a global one at once. May your «book» at first be only a few sheets. Over time, «grow». Do not quit this hobby too.

Honestly, you touched your «confession». Thanks again.
Write, if that. Good luck.

Damn, reading this text, I see myself and my perishable future.

*went further to realize his powerlessness before the cycle of the same empty days in which I got bogged down, implicitly performing the program of ordinary life*

Yes, I personally – I personally have no friends and acquaintances at all – I don’t communicate with anyone, you even had a girl with whom you lived for five years – and I met a stranger to a stranger who left me and now for three years without a girlfriend without a girl. Changed even more work in three years and t.D. And I don’t understand one thing – fucking to complain and whine. If you live, since you live, then everything suits you. If something does not suit you, then you take and change it-that’s all. The matter is everyday. Without snot, without whining, without heart talk, you take and do. It’s late to change something on the deathbed or if you are a sick, weak old man. Live now, while there is an opportunity. Life, health, money, love, relationship is everything so fleeting, and vague that it needs to be caught now. You have memories and this is the most important.
And yes, I really do not understand, your whining is «I am 30 years old and I am a nerd». I knew two men, forty years old – one at forty years old had nothing left but a collection of gramplasts and minus 200 thousand in a bank account, and the second – a year ago had a family, children, he was a foreman – a million rubles in a month, and a year later – he was already half a broken, rented apartment under a crushed kitchen under the table, collecting a scattered trialon vodka -and as one of them told me -“The worst thing is that you did not go down, but in the fact that there is no strength to rise”. Both were drunk by the way.
So come on, tell me, how bad you were.

I thought for a long time how to paint what boobs, they say, is not a critical brain refusal, to come and star a garbage like the original comment-it’s not given to everyone, like-therefore, no, the boobs do not wait, but in the end I wrote only this comment, I realized that I poured too many of the commas and I had to break it somehow into separate phrases, but I went laziness, and I went over the laziness, and even stuck it out.

You even had. So I spent the whole school out of my own free will from social life, reading a bunch of books, from the illustrated reference book of the cold weapons of the Metropolis Museum to the «Orleans Virgin», playing global strategies and simulators of urban development, listening to the most different music. As a result, the former classmates constantly walk with friends, and I read Olaf Stapland under Jazzzcore, I think about the fact that the socialist was renewed, and I still can’t get ready to start writing my book (like a dozen or two of other works in the juice nonsense) about the sorcerer-narcomaniac, tryingthe consciousness of magic destroying his consciousness against the background of the decadence of his civilization.

A book about the witch-narcomanian trying to escape in the world of dreams from the consciousness of magic destroying him against the background of the decadence of his civilization.

Real Oldfag- First of all, you always need to jerk off and only after that to take some actions- everything did the right thing.

Believe me, the wedding is not the final result) I know several examples of couples that cohabited 5-10 years and, apparently, are happy with their choice. One of these couples lives together 17th year. They don’t think about any marriage.

And who said that the lack of dialogs is necessarily bad? They write stories, novels and whole novels in the form of diaries or thoughts of the author, and nothing, read. And this does not even have to be some fierce existential prose-there, the “cloud atlas” of Mitchell, a very mainstream such work, the first short story is written in the form of a diary in which the dialogs are practically absent, mainly either separate replicas, or well, very short conversations, literally seven to eights in general.
There is no experience – so he will not appear from the air in itself. At least to formulate sentences correctly, you can (plus, judging by the fact that you almost live in books, a decent vocabulary is available), the rest will be developed in the process. There is a concept – excellent, there is a fuse – generally wonderful.
Therefore, try, try, look for yourself and your style. The main thing, do not throw it, until you get to the point that you burned out, forgot almost all of your suitable ideas, and there weren’t even any developments left, which could be returned to. He himself had already burned several times on the fact that when there were good detailed ideas, he postponed their implementation for later, and in the end there was no much desire to do much, and what was there, you don’t remember.
Act.

This is not a dead end branch, so the world actually arranges. At that time, the time, as most stupidly believes in the illusion. In the commentary above, “it’s easier to do nothing and think that you are shit and a loser, because someone has happened there, but you are not lucky? Forwards, no one prohibits.»This is a banal alteration of the phrase of someone from the great» who wants to-is looking for opportunities, who does not want-looking for reasons «. In the general case, this phrase is not true, but in particular cases it can be applied. Understand a simple thing – I do not deny the role of efforts in achieving certain goals, but I am well aware that even by showing maximum efforts, we can say, not, to get the wrong (from the word “completely”) results that were originally assumed. And this does not happen because “he did not try enough”, “he did not believe in himself”, “he lacks charisma”, “you need to be more penalty”, “you need to think positively”, and because a bunch of other variables that are not taken into account, or they are intentionally ignored by the result.

By the way, yes. Aggressive attitude towards yourself, oddly enough, the best motivator. Periodically I practice this method in order not to do what I really want, but you should not do it, for example.
But to the expense of pour, so no one is aching, just my story. I do not argue, in Africa the children generally starve, and here we are about some kind of garbage are ranting. There are situations and worse, but they are, and this is me. Everything is known on experience.

I agree with you. How many people believe in this nonsense from teenage Serials: everything in life depends only on us;We must believe in yourself and success will certainly be;People who achieved success achieved it because they moved forward, not take into account for anything;Think and rich … and so on and so on the like. What, guys, this is nonsense. It is generally necessary for people to think that if a person has achieved something, then he is so well done, and if not, then he himself is to blame (lazy, spineless, non-ambitious, etc.p.). But I have repeatedly seen situations in my life when nishtyaki undeservedly fell out of general, and vice versa, like a person really puts in something (business, relationship, etc.D.) all the time and soul, but in response … nothing, nothing at all. And “successful” down they look like that, they say “you need to be able”.

Of course, friends remained from the university, but they are all electronic now, in correspondence, so to speak, there are familiar on the online, but I don’t have enough live communication. And old trusted friends … ahem … in general, they could not stand the whining and self. When everything begins to crawl down you is first supported, and then, seeing that a person drowns himself – they turn around and go his own way. Therefore, yes, first deal with problems in your own head. And the sooner the better.
And the post washed down as a cry of a soul, once again realizing that something needs to be done.

Well, you looked at the scenario and you can not go along the strip path. Analogue of the «Save-Load» button, so to speak

I will add my five cents, I read an article where once again the correlation of life expectancy from the socialization of human individuals was observed, and it was unexpected for me that the most unambiguous statement of all the reasoning was that the one who did not experience stress (in this case, experiences and self -flagellation), from the current environment, lives longer.
I like to be mainly alone, do not worry, take yourself like that and don’t listen to anyone. I don’t like it, well, what to do, or change in one direction or another or suffer further 🙂
IMHO, my impression is that your problem is that you cannot accept your lifestyle as right, and at the same time you don’t find the strength to change it, this is the most destructive.

Just refer to this – initially a dead end branch. Well, yes, not everything in the world is equal, this is also clear to the idiot. Not everyone is in equal conditions. But you can’t get hung up on this, otherwise this will lead to banal excuses for their own failure.
In addition, you need to pay attention to yourself. For example, all born in the Russian Federation are entitled to free education. Again, not everyone can realize it, but there are very few of them and it is very unlikely that they are sitting from idleness on the Internet. And of those who can realize this right, how much they realize it to the whole coil? And who prevents the others from fulfilling it in full?
And so on, almost everyone has a whole bunch of opportunities that he ignores or does not perceive seriously and there are people on this planet who would really like to realize such opportunities, but do not even have a chance for it. So it is necessary and useful to kick yourself. It will also not hurt to look at life soberly, but to give in despondency and depression, simultaneously referring to others, is also not worth.

I would like to wish the best blogger the week to find the same island of calm, where he will do what he loves and spend leisure time with his soulmate.

I will also share my grief, maybe the author, having read my post, will understand that his problems are ephemeral. I also recently exchanged the 3rd dozen and on my 30th birthday I did not yet know the reason for all my troubles. As it turned out, later, after taking the second neuropathologist (although the first one issued a conclusion – a spasm of the vessels of the brain), I have a nervous exhaustion. Since childhood, I look at the attacks of my older epileptic brother, now the late father was also not distinguished by a calm disposition, many nerve cells were lost by me. All my “conscious” life, I subconsciously tried to avoid all this nightmare that took place at home, drowning my grief in alcohol. Now I understand that I had to separate from my family for a long time and go my own way, but being a meek man by nature, besides, I always felt sorry for my brother and I did not want to throw them, I never thought about this. The time passed, the nerves were exhausted, chose the wrong profession, changed many jobs, hatred of his father corroded my soul, his brother’s bouts began to seem like the norm, kicked his father out of the house, he later quit drinking and raging, my attempts to make peace with him, then he discovered stomach cancer, I already broke away from reality and abused alcohol, he died in 2013, in 2013. At his funeral, I finally “broke the tower”, there was a tantrum and tears (but I still loved him), my brother had an attack at the wake (well, why did my mother brought him there), I just wanted to run away. Further prostration, they offer me work at the factory (on the previous one, one fine morning, I just didn’t go out), “I’m going crazy” at the new workplace, I am fond of marijuana, after the first vacation I don’t go out to work (I just can’t move off, everyone is indignant, I don’t understand anything). After my father’s death, my nerves also staggered, we swear, I can’t control my anger (remember the comedy with Adam Sandler “Guide Management”?:) And it turns out relatively long ago. After the conclusion of the aforementioned second neuropathologist, realizing the whole depth of his sad state, I had a tantrum several times with the memories of my father and the most rigid curses against him and his brother, indicating his last place (in a psychiatric hospital), of course, in his sound reason, I would never dare to say like that to my sick brother. A person with a sick psyche and cockroaches have the corresponding ones – there were thoughts about suicide, about the murder of two people of people, indecent character. Subjective – life is terrible, objectively – it is beautiful. If I find the strength to look positively into the future, then you definitely should not despair. Treatment is going on, I hope everything will be fine. Do not scold your children and be kinder to each other.